Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Randomize
