where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
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