Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
