i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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