Define "chronic" masturbator.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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