found out what b.m.t stands for.
what did you think?
bread, meat, tomatoes, but then i realized that could be practically any sub.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
This house was built for laser tag.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
