Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
