Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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