what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
