Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Randomize
