The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
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