I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Randomize
