Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
