Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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