Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
