your thong is hanging out like whoa
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Randomize
