Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Randomize
