Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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