So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
and eventually we just all took our pants off
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
