I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Randomize
