I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
