Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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