I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
