I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Randomize
