Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
Randomize
