Betty ford says i'm here all night
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
