my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
