You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
worst night to have a conscience
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I AM VODKA MAN
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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