Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
