i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Randomize
