you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
