so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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