is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
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