Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
