We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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