waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
