She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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