That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
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