Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
