Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
