I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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