the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
