so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
