you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
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