I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Randomize
