Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
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