is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Randomize
