I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Randomize
