you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
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