In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
