Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Randomize
