I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
BRING THE BAGELS
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Randomize
