Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Randomize
