Im at strip club and am horny
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
